Reactions to Michelle Obama

I was standing in my kitchen this past Sunday and the TV was tuned to C-SPAN. I am not a big TV watcher (to put it mildly), so I just leave the small kitchen set on C-SPAN and listen as I cook or load the dishwasher. I have to admit, I find the C-SPAN approach to be a soothing way to take in politics and opinion. There's not a lot of sensationalism and I don't get the impression that C-SPAN has an agenda. It's just a straight-forward view. I don't watch the Congressional hearings or the House floor debates (yawn). I prefer the commentary by authors and the replay of interesting things I've missed by not watching mainstream television. C-SPAN is like a filter for me - sifting through all of the hype and leaving me with what I consider to be important.

Anyway, I was busy with dishes when I noticed that Michelle Obama was on. C-SPAN was airing a discussion moderated by Maria Shriver and included the the wives of five contenders for the White House. The topic focused on their involvement in their husband’s presidential campaigns.

The discussion was part of the 2007 Women’s Conference, a non-partisan annual event put on by California’s governor and first lady for the last twenty years. Guess who was not in attendance: 1. Bill Clinton (he's not a wife, but had been invited to participate as a spouse) and 2. Judith Giuliani, wife of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I'll save my opinions on Judith Guiliani for another day. This entry is about Michelle and I don't want to contaminate this with Judith. Reports are that Judith had been invited, but declined.

So, I'm listening to the discussion, which I've entered late, and I hear Maria ask the ladies about their sources of comfort and support during these times (the race). Some of them gave what I consider to be a very "sales-y" answer. "oh, my husband...he is my rock...we have a solid marriage...we talk about everything....he and I will always have each other". (I'm paraphrasing). Then comes Michele's turn. She responds that she relies on her mother, who has her children at this moment.....and that she also relies on other WOMEN around her....the moms at her daughters' school. She went on to say when it's time for the pot-luck dinner, the other moms know to put her on the list to bring plates (paper), not the main dish. I can understand this. Personally, as much as I'd love to always bring salmon (which I have brought - mixed with cream cheese and tarragon, and neatly packaged in those little toasted bread cups that I make in mini muffin tins - talk about CUTE and YUMMY), I feel victorious when I get to the list early enough to sign up for plates, cups and napkins - or juice! Juice is another easy option. I hear you, Michelle!

Then there was a question about what they worry about - what they are afraid of. "I worry about whether politics can be nurturing of somebody who's decent and kind," Michelle Obama said. "I mean, there's always been a bit of hesitation on my part. I've always joked and said, 'There's a more sane way of earning a living.' You always worry about your life getting sucked out from under you, I’m very practical, I have to know how is this going to play out.”

One of the other wives said something about being afraid of embarrassing her husband - of saying something to hurt him. I wondered if that was a shot at Michelle.

After all, Michelle has been continually spotlighted for some of her perceived negative portrayals of Barack, and for her outspokenness about her family.

I thought Michelle handled herself very well during the Shriver discussion, but I felt curious about how some of my girlfriends and relatives perceived her. So, I made some calls. I simply asked them what they thought of Michelle. There were similar opinions across the board.

Everyone agreed that Michelle is exceptionally well-educated (Princeton and Harvard Law), well-spoken and exudes power and pride in her family.

Everyone also agreed that she may be coming on a little strongly for the good of the campaign.

One of my more out-spoken girlfriends said "when I saw her on Oprah, my first thought was 'she needs to calm herself down'".

I haven't seen the Oprah piece, so I cannot comment on that.

This really got my mind going. As an African American woman in Corporate America, I have been accused of being "too strong". I have worked very hard to shape an image that isn't threatening or oppressing. I consciously moderate my own voice, keeping my tone pleasant and "light" when I'm engaged in conversation with clients, in the office or on the phone. While I could argue that I' m not being respected for my difference, I'm not really interested in battling for the ability to "do me" in that environment. The bottom line is my income and my personal career advancement. If that means that I have to moderate my voice tone, so be it. That's part of grooming myself for success.

I can recall being in a position where I wasn't' getting something I needed during a heated contract negotiation. Tens of millions of dollars were at stake and I was at the helm. Due to confusion about what was needed, I wasn't getting what I needed. I fired off an email that started with "here's what I need, immediately"....and the email was targeted at people who were in the executive ranks. I figured they'd appreciate that I was frank, brief and clear. I immediately received a reply from my boss, the Vice President "Not good". Not good? That's his response? I called him. What he said will always remain in my mind...

"You need to act helpless. Picture yourself as Little Red Riding Hood. You are lost in the woods and need help to find your way out. You are wearing your little red cape. That's who you need to be. You need for people to want to help you out of the woods".

(a moment of silence while we think about that - sigh)

Ok. I admit being confused by this analogy....so I called my former executive sponsor (better than a mentor), who had left my firm and was sitting in the executive offices of another large company - an African American man. I repeated what I had just been told. He chuckled in a sad, disgusted kind of way and said "and I suppose you should add a long, blond wig to that get-up. Are you kidding me?".....

The good news is that none of the executives seemed bothered by my email. A flurry of emails went out to their respective underlings and the information I needed was secured by the end of the day. One of the female execs called me to see if I had what I needed, and she went on with a nice discussion about Christams shopping in Manhattan. I didn't sense any resentment. I wonder if that was because she didn't know me, so there was no reason for her to feel that my email was out of line. I was acting the way all of her peers acted - busy, direct and energetic about closing deals. Nobody had told her that "I" didn't have the right to be confident.

I have been promoted since that fateful day (almost 2 years ago), by the very boss who laid that image out for me. I can't say that I've conformed, but I've established enough respect for myself that I can push back (gently and professionally). I feel that I've established a comfortable professional persona that works for me and those around me.

As I thought about the women on my team, and in my field at my level, I realized that many of them do take this "light and airy - I need help!"approach...either naturally or by design. Honestly, they don't seem stupid or silly.....just very, well.....bubbly. That's the best way I can describe it. They're nice ladies who are obviously very talented, and this is not personal or about them...this is about the 50,000 foot view of how women fit into the bigger picture - or not. I am the only woman of color, so I cannot compare myself to any others in this particular situation.

Now, I have also noticed that women at levels above us are NOT light and airy. As a matter of fact, they're often downright pushy (smile).

So, when I think about how to model myself, do I model myself after those who are at my own level, or those who have risen above? I suspect I need to be very smart about it, and find some middle-ground. So, now, my emails start with a friendly greeting and a little "bubbly", then get straight to the point of what I need, then finish with a note of tremendous gratitude and a well wish. And, to seal it, I follow-up with a phone call....and my "light and airy" voice.

Here's an interesting piece: Advancing African American Women in the Workplace.

My point being, you have to work to make everyone feel that you are open and coachable....yet, you have to hold onto the strengths that made someone want to coach you in the first place.

Wow, what a digression! We were talking about Michelle Obama and I did what my cousin calls "an Oprah".....I turned it into something about myself!

I went into the whole Little Red Riding Hood thing because I have been reading the blogs about Michelle. I wanted to see how she is viewed by a more broad representation of the general American public.

What I've noticed is that she is being criticized as being "loud", "aggressive", "unsupportive" of Barack, "strong", "disrespectful", etc. How many times have we heard this about African American women? And, of course, I have to wonder if one of the "other" wives had said the same thing, they would ave been viewed in the same light. I doubt it.

My mind started to wonder if it is best for the campaign if Michelle continues to be "as she is", or if it might be best for her to, as my girlfriend said, "calm herself down". What is more important - maintaining your sense of self - or winning the White House? Can you do both? Then again, we're not voting for Michelle, or are we? If she's that strong, won't she have considerable influence over her husband's decisions and actions?

This brings me down to the question I have yet to answer for myself: Is Michelle helping or hindering Barack's position in the race?

There are a couple of things Michele has said that make me wince. I just think there are some things we don't ALL need to know. For example, I don't think we all needed to hear that Michele talks to her girls about "what is a period?". While it wouldn't bother me to sit around with my friends and have this discussion, I don't really know Michelle like that. She is not my "girlfriend", she is the wife of the candidate for Leadership of the Free World.

I think I know why Michelle wants to tell us things like that. She wants us to feel connected with her. She wants to appeal to our need to feel like we understand who the Obamas are. She wants us to get comfortable with them. She wants our trust in that Barack will make decisions based on the same decision-making system that the rest of us use.

While, on the surface, this might be a good strategy for many Americans, it can also backfire. After all, Michelle and Barack are not like the rest of us. And, we don't really want them to be, do we?

Personally, I don't think I'd do a good job in the White House. I'm too scatter-brained, impulsive, disorganized, easily distracted and also sometimes obsessive. Really, you don't want me in the White House.

So, if Michelle is just like me, I don't want her there either. The good news is that I know she's not like me. We may have some similarities, but we surely have some differences. I like that we have differences. I NEED for us to have differences. I don't want to be Michelle Obama's girlfriend over coffee. I want Michelle to go and do something that I could not. I want her to stand next to Barack and run this country.

Another thing: Barack, as we know, does not have a long track-record. Much of his success is because he has created a great "image" for himself. He has made us believe that he can do something that most people can't. He seems almost super-human. We want to believe him. We have to, if we're going to vote for him, because there's not much else to go on. But, I honestly do believe that people can do things they've never done before, if they believe in their own vision and have enough energy and raw talent to bring it to life.

But here comes Michelle again, with her pin to prick the bubble over our heads. She wants to remind us that Barack is just like us - a regular dad (sigh) who can't pick up his own socks and put the butter away after breakfast. Michelle!! Please step away from my bubble. If you pop it, I am not sure what I have left. He's seems like a nice guy, he has an agenda that I support, he's good looking.....but the fantasy of him being super-human enough to fix this MESS we're in as a country is what I need.

I think Michelle is hinging too much on her "we're just like you" campaign.

The bottom line is: I don't want someone just like me running this county - and - I don't believe they're just like me. And, I want Michelle to put down the pin.

Don't get me wrong, I support Barack (and Michelle). I just thought this was interesting on so many levels.